thanks, asshole

You know who you are. For some of you there may have been a moment, maybe even a period of nobility and honor, but you lost it somewhere between the altar and the void of your unsatiated ego. This is disconcerting to me because there’s that notion that when women are unhappy with something they are ten times more likely to spread the news of their bitter disappointment than when they are satisfied. Imagine what that might say about men.

I saw you just the other day. Your fleur de lis-spangled trophy-wife hipping one child while pushing the other two in a grocery cart while you strutted around in your white hoodie, baseball cap askew and potential ass-crack threatening any shopper from behind you, and when she struggled with the giant bag of Coco Crispies, as large as the wriggling child in the other arm, you just stood there playing with your Droid.

And that time at the stoplight while in your power-stroking supercharged compensating turbo diesel you thought it funny to hit the revs and pop the clutch in second belching black exhaust through your six inch diameter tail pipe all over the car beside you. I saw you smile in your mirror. You know what the hell you’re doing. Sorry about your penis, though. That must suck.

It’s been awhile, but it still boils my blood when I think of how you kicked your dog when it failed whatever expectation you had of that canine. You kicked a dog.

Add alcohol and your asshole potential is exponentially exacerbated. That wouldn’t be so bad if you did that while skydiving or working a steel press, but you insist on doing it in social places, in your home, behind the wheel of your car, because somehow you’re impervious to its affects. Booze just adds to your acuity, unlocks your uncanny ability to navigate at high speeds and negotiate your way into pants.

You made it a condition of my divorce that I register with recovery services since by virtue of my gender I have more potential of stiffing my kids on their child support. Thanks to you.

Most embarrassing by association, though, is when you blame the circumstances of your shitty choices on situations beyond your control, like your anger, your ignorance, your entitlement; pretty amazing for someone who otherwise knows it all. Most amazing is when you do shirk responsibility you fail to see or you just ignore the ramifications on those in proximity, your wife, your children.

You are an embarrassment to our gender and yet you know what you’re doing, sloughing it off on some piss-poor excuse exempting you from responsibility, voiding the possibility of what may have been potentially noble and honorable.

My chagrin, the reason I’m venting here, is that somehow you’ve become the stick by which the rest of us are measured, or rather suspected, mistrusted, misgiven a benefit of the doubt.

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8 Responses to thanks, asshole

  1. Ed Candland says:

    Hi Eric.
    I loved the note. Hmmm…I know this guy. We may have seen the exact same dog kicker. What a jerk. I love reading your posts. I sometimes wonder why I don’t see your work in places like magazines and newspapers, but I think that might mean you would have to use bad grammar, spelling, and your sentences would have to stop making sense. Cheers!
    Ed

  2. anne says:

    I like this one too. And am so sad to say that that guy has made me mistrusting and suspect.

  3. Bravo.

    I have two thoughts beyond congratulations for an eloquent and insightful piece.

    1- I think these tendencies stem from a lack of accountability. Our society no longer holds people accountable for their action’s, and the result is a smorgasbord of selfish, short-sighted simpletons who are not only tolerated but actually celebrated. Exhibit A: “Jersey Shore.”

    2- women deserve better than ass holes of this caliber, but until women stop feeding the problem by lusting after “bad boys” while the pool of decent Y chromosome bearing people remain single this problem will continue.

  4. anne says:

    Green- Are you lumping all women into the same behavior: lusting after “bad boys” just as some women lump all men into the asshole category??

    I agree, that the fleur-de-lis spangled chic needs to stop sleeping with butt-crack boy. I could write a blog- “Hey Dumb Chic- thanks for continuing to sleep with the asshole and having more kids than you can raise by yourself, thus requiring me to pay higher taxes to help you out while I am responsibly trying to raise my kids alone and having a tough time with the stigma you leave on society of uneducated single moms who are helpless and sleep with stupid guys looking for company rather than courage to take care of yourself”.

    Where is this pool of decent Y chromosomes? Are they mentoring teen boys to help them learn responsibility? Are they standing up to violence against women and lending examples in society of decent men? Are they shutting off the Jersey Shore channel and refusing to support the advertisers on it? Are they abstaining from sex outside of a comitted relationship?

    • I guess I did lump. Consider this a formal retraction. Of course Not all women are like this, but some of them are, which contributes to the problem.

      I don’t exactly have a list of decent Men for you, but they are out there. My father for one is not only decent, but I remember him mentoring me and my friends when we were 14 and 15 as our scout master in the basics of honor, hard work and respect. I learned from him how to treat everyone, man or woman, with respect, how to be polite even in disagreement, and how to be a man who handles his business with honesty so you can look others in the eye when you shake their hand and make a promise. I only hope I can live up to his lessons and pass them on to my sons if and when I have them.

  5. Tyson Black says:

    I ❤ this. Hella.

  6. Kai Ellis says:

    so true, much easier to come to terms with one’s justifications than the actual actions themselves.
    if one is against such hardheaded mentality and actions, one should not merly be an observer of this, in this age, even observing is being included, so without speaking up and making actions against this, this becomes our guilt, our blame, our blood, and our fault. by allowing these acts to continue is (to paraphrase Tool) being far too sympathetic, to where that asshole is not innocent, you are not innocent. no one is innocent. even if you must go down beside them, to no longer tolerate them, because in-turn, I feel, they are lying, cheating, and stealing the quality of life from us, and to not retaliate, results in no innocence. much needed natural social selection

  7. anne says:

    I agree, we cannot just watch with disdain. Both men and women are responsible to humanity to work against the asshole attitude: not allowing our men to get what they want with petulance, not allowing our sons to grow into spoiled teens and eventually spoiled “men”

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